I was at the crossroads of my life. That night, I saw no way out. I couldn’t go backwards. I saw no straight path forwards. I didn’t believe there was a God up there that cared, let alone existed. I didn’t believe there was a God that cared for me let alone my life or the world. I didn’t believe. I lived somewhere between agnostic and atheist. Despite the few times I would say out loud driving in my car “o.k. God if you are real, put a rainbow in the sky right now’, wait one second, then ‘See, you’re not real”.
This night was different. I always could find my way, find my path, find my career, my next promotion, my next move. I was not in need of a God, nor anyone. I could do it on my own. This night was different. The pain, hurt, betrayal blinded and obscured any path I could plow myself. After hours of contemplating ways and paths and plans and realizing there was just no miraculous way out, I decided to try the one path I never tried. Although I still wasn’t convinced and was still the biggest skeptic I knew, and still didn’t subscribe to a God that could possibly exist – I, but for the first time with sincerity in my heart – just simply knelt beside my bed and said “God, if you are real, I can’t find a way out. If you can help me find the way, I will follow you”. That was it. But it was with sincerity.
The next morning, contemplating what I had done (what does ‘follow Him’ even mean?), even though I felt that same sincerity, my doubts lingered, and I continued on with plans of trying to find my own way out.
I do not want to delve into the most miraculous things that happened in those next two weeks, these are saved for my most intimate discussions with people, because they are just that, very private and very intimate. But what happened in those following two weeks were true miracles, beyond coincidence moments, that I did not conjure up because I was wishing so hard that He was real, (on the contrary, I was already speeding down another path that would have been a more destructive path, thinking this was the right way). In one of the more profound beyond coincidence moments, that He was proving He was real, He cared, He would honor my prayer, I remember crying in the corner saying “How could ‘this’ be part of the plan, the way?!’ But, because, although I still didn’t ‘know’ Him, but in that moment knew somehow He was real and cared, I trusted. To trust someone was nearly impossible for me, especially a ‘God’. But because He showed up beyond coincidence with love and compassion, I trusted.
He, again beyond coincidence, put loving people in my path to guide me to learn of Him, to learn of Jesus. To begin revealing that He was real, that He was so loving and compassionate, that He did care about me, that He created everything, including me, that He had a plan for my life, that He lovingly began to show me the path for the plans He had for me. He began birthing a new life in me, I became so hungry for His truth, the more He revealed, the more I hungered for Him. He filled me with a peace and love I had never before felt in my life. I had a misconception what it was going to mean to ‘follow’ Him, that life somehow would be ‘dull’ and ‘lifeless’, but He filled me with a peace and joy I had never felt. I became alive, the world came alive, I felt I could see. Life did not miraculously become easier somehow, there were still challenges, and pain, and sorrow, and I still have imperfections, but He carried and continues to carry me through it all. He showed me and still continues to show me I can trust Him. He has a plan for each person, for our world, for our country, for our lives. We can trust Him as He is caring, loving, stronger than any power that be in this world. He knows all and sees all. There is no need to fear, we can trust, as He is real, He is faithful. Just ask.